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Two lies threaten friendships. 

Lie One: good friends never fight. 

In fact, every meaningful relationship runs into disagreements and conflict.  

 

Lie Two: conflict is bad. 

In fact, conflict can be the catalyst for growth and deeper love. 

From conflict emerges new things that create a relationship better than before. 

 

In our first scripture today, the ancient Israelites are in dire straits.  

They are in exile in Babylon.  

The prophet Isaiah proclaims that amid despair and conflict,  

God is doing a new thing. 

 

Let’s listen. Isaiah 44: 16-19  

 

In a time of chaos, despair, desert wilderness, God is making new. 

Now, I don’t believe the church is or was in such dire straits, 

But over my first few years here I noticed some gaps in communication. 

The gaps led to small misunderstandings and people sometimes feeling left out or lost. 

One gap was the way information flowed through the various church committees- 

Or rather, didn’t flow, or flowed too late to be of use.   

On top of that I found myself repeating the same information at nearly every board meeting. 

So I conferenced with the members of standing committee and the standing committee elected to shift to an “all boards” method, which we start today. 

It’s a new thing that has emerged from minor conflict.  

 

Of course, New life and growth don’t always spring up out of conflict. 

While conflict can be a catalyst for growth and deeper love, 

It can also threaten to tear relationships apart.  

Indeed, many friendships stop at the smell of conflict or disagreement. 

Marriages have disintegrated from unhealthy reactions to conflict. 

So in their pre-wedding book for Christian couples, “Ready to Wed”, Dr.Greg and Erin Smalley, wrote a brilliant a chapter on conflict. They write that: 

In a conflict, our emotional buttons get pushed and we lose the capacity to relate with compassion. 

Physically, our bodies react as if we are being physically threatened: 

Heart racing, sweaty palms, etc. 

Our bodies jump into that “fight or flight” reaction.  

We might “fight” by yelling, throwing a tantrum, making belittling or sarcastic comments, invalidate others’ feelings, focus solely on fixing the problem, criticize…anything to fiercely advocate our own position. (Smalley 177) 

We might “flee” by avoiding the conflict all together, agreeing to disagree, and not talking about it or withdraw from an important conversation by walking away, keeping silent, or quickly agreeing to a solution just to end the discussion. (Smalley 177) 

Whether we fight or flee, we disconnect from meaningful relationship.  

We have ear plugs in our ears.  

We stop growing and eventually the relationship is lost.  

However, when we work through conflict with Christ, in a healthy way,  

We experience profoundly moving relationships, 

Relationships in which we are safe to be our full selves. 

Relationships in which we grow as individuals and in our capacity to love.  

 

In our second scripture, the apostle Paul is writing to the early church.  

People have questioned his authority as a teacher.  

So, he lists his many “credentials”, but then proclaims they do not matter- 

They are counted as loss. 

What matters is his relationship to Christ.  

 

Let’s listen (Philippians 3: 4b-11) 

 

Credentials don’t matter. 

Social status doesn’t matter. 

Being right under the law, being technically correct, doesn’t matter. 

What matters is one’s relationship with Christ. 

For it is with Christ that we move from conflict to new life. 

It is God who makes the path through the desert wilderness.  

 

To work through conflict with Christ, in a healthy way, takes 3 steps.  

Again, I share the insights of Dr. Greg & Erin Smalley. 

1. Space: no one can have a grounded, clearheaded compassionate conversation when they are emotionally triggered. So take some space to ground into God. Take some space instead of saying something you later regret.  Do something to physically calm down – breathe, walk, color, whatever. Taking space is not withdrawing, because one communicates that they need some space and will come back.  We are talking 20 minutes, not months.  It’s a short amount of time to get out of “fight or flight”.  

 

1. Name emotions: in flight or fight our animal brain rules, but research shows that by simply naming feelings, our brain shifts to rational thinking.   Naming the emotions helps us understand ourselves in a situation.  Conflicts are rarely about the presenting topic.  Most often a conflict hits an emotional button that is about far more than the color of the walls or how your friend slipped up and forgot your birthday.  Naming our emotions helps us hear and see what is going on with us. It’s the taking the ear plugs out moment. 

 

1. Seeking truth in prayer. The third part of working through conflict with Christ is to be with Christ. God gives us the truth.  As the joke goes, if God hates all the same people you do, then you have probably made yourself God.  God’s ways are not our ways. God’s wisdom is beyond our own.  So when we come to Christ in prayer, we are open to hearing what the holy has to say.  We are open to hearing the emotions and experiences of another, open to other possibilities for what is truth.  

 

It is at this point that we reconnect to those with whom there is conflict.  With an open heart and our ear plugs out, we can hear another’s emotions and move forward.  

Working through conflict with Christ opens the door to discover something new about ourselves, others, and our relationships.  

Working through conflict with Christ brings new life, growth, and deeper love. 

 

But Paul continues in his letter to the early Christians, 

Philippians 3:12-14. 

New life and growth will come, but perfection will not.  

Today we try a new thing, “all boards”, but it will not be perfect.  

It is a step, part of the ever-evolving Body of Christ.  

We will adapt and tweak as the church has done for hundreds of years.  

As new life emerges, we grow and continue to strive for the goal, 

For Christ has made us his own. 

May we allow whatever mishaps that occur to simply inform the next step, 

That we may carry out the mission to which we have been called. 

When I ask people their favorite part of worship, 50% of the time they say it’s the music.

The other 50% say the sermon.

Some will say the prayers of the people.

No one ever says confession.

Today I propose the beauty and power of this ancient practice.

Prayer

It’s been a joy working with our new members – they are thoughtful people! During our new members class,

we spent a good amount of time discussing one line of the UCC Statement of Faith:

“You (God) seek in holy love to save all people from aimlessness and sin.”

We talked about how hard it is to admit that we might need “saving”.

In our “pull yourself up from your bootstraps” culture,

To acknowledge we need help can be taboo.

Yet, one person noted that our world is filled with aimlessness and sin.

Our world does need help, but more than just help – saving.

Saving implies that the one in need is really in need.

If you help someone out of the pool, you offer a hand to balance on as they climb out.

If you save someone from a pool, you jump in and pull them out.

To admit that we need saving means we admit that we are utterly unable to do it on our own.

When people are recovering from surgery or amid illness,

One of the greatest spiritual challenges is giving up one’s independence

And relying on others.

Many of us struggle to lean on anyone other than ourselves.

To be vulnerable in any way is scary.

So we insist on taking care of ourselves, even when we need help.

We refuse to reach out, even though we are faltering.

We hold tight to secrets or shame, fearful of what will happen if we are really honest.

We do not particularly like to acknowledge our faults or share our vulnerabilities.

Yet, our tradition and ancestors in faith have insisted on the practice of confession and vulnerability for centuries. Today’s scripture is one of seven core penitential psalms, often read during the season of Lent. The psalmist shares how avoiding confession harms body, mind and spirit. The author then points to the benefits of practicing honest confession.

The Message version uses modern language to allow the meaning of the psalm to shine through.

Psalm 32

The psalmist explains what it was like to hold in a secret, to refuse confession, to hide one’s self:

“When I kept it all inside,

my bones turned to powder,

my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up;

all the juices of my life dried up.” In the NRSV:

“While I kept silence, my body wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.”

To keep silence, to hold back, to refuse to be vulnerable and share honestly – It takes a toll on our bodies, our minds, and our spirits.

Shame keeps people trapped.

On Tuesday evening the EHPD hosted a Sex Trafficking Seminar

It was a heart wrenching seminar about the many ways predators manipulate, coerce, or force people, often teenage girls, to have sex for money.

67% of girls in “the life” live at home with their parents.

Human trafficking happens everywhere, across economic, social and racial lines.

A major factor keeping people in “the life” is shame.

Their trafficker blackmails the victim with shame.

When the victim begins to realize what they are doing and realize they don’t want to be doing it, shame keeps them from telling their parents, or law enforcement.

EHPD arrested a girl 8 times for prostitution. Each time she lied about her age and name. She was too ashamed to tell anyone what was really happening and who she really was.

Shame is the fear of disconnection. If I tell someone, they won’t believe me or will think poorly of me or will distance themselves from me.

Shame traps people in an invisible cage of isolation.

Holding secrets can tear us apart.

In the case of human trafficking, the physical, emotional and mental trauma leaves lasting scars.

Scientific studies back up the ancient words of the psalmist:

Secrets, hiding ourselves, shame take a physical toll on our bodies.

More specifically, if there is a secret we are constantly thinking about,

The efforts of concealing it release stress hormones into our bodies,

Keeping a secret breeds anxiety, fear, and depression.

Read more here: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2017/05/shhhhh/526581/

Here is the thing: We each have a shadow side.

If you don’t think you have a shadow side, consider people or situations you think poorly of.

Not always, but often, our shadow side can be found when we are busy judging others:

(Ex. Nagging CJ to do a tax thing until I realized I hadn’t done my part.)

When you find yourself overly critical of another,

take a good look at yourself in that regard and you may find something worth confessing.

We each have a shadow side.

To ignore it or silence it simply denies God’s grace.

God desires to love us.

Grace is God forgiving us and loving us, shadows included.

When we are too afraid to be honest, to share our vulnerabilities, we are rejecting God’s grace.

As one theologian said, “Silence is the rejection of grace.” James Mays (Psalms 147)

Quite simply, we cannot feel God’s forgiveness if we refuse to name our faults.

And so the psalmist proclaims: (Message Version)

“Then I let it all out;

I said, “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God.”

Suddenly the pressure was gone—

my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared.

These things add up.

Every one of us needs to pray; when all hell breaks loose and the dam bursts we’ll be on high ground, untouched.

God’s my island hideaway,

keeps danger far from the shore, throws garlands of hosannas around my neck.

[for NRSV v1-2]

“Happy are those whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Happy are those to whom the Lord imputes no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit.”

When we find the courage to be honest, to share vulnerabilities,

Pressure is gone. We are happy. There is freedom and joy.

Shasta Nelson in her book on friendship names the importance of sharing vulnerabilities with friends.

Friendships grow deeper with vulnerability.

We crave being known and loved – we want committed friends.

We don’t just want contact friends – as nice as they are.

In order to be known and loved, we must take the risk to be known.

This does not mean you should go up to a stranger and tell them your deepest darkest secrets. Not every friend needs to know everything about you.

We have different circles of friends for different reasons and they are all important.

Often what brings a friendship from a contact or common friend into a community or committed friend, Is the extent to which we are vulnerable with one another.

Vulnerability is required at each step:

We must be vulnerable enough to initiate a conversation. This begins a contact friendship.

We must be vulnerable enough to ask a potential friend on a friend-date. This begins a common friendship.

We must be vulnerable enough to share a challenge. This can deepen a community friendship.

We must be vulnerable enough to share our doubts and fears. This strengthens a committed friendship.

Vulnerability is a gradual thing that grows with trust.

Shasta Nelson gives some helpful tips on how to be vulnerable in a way that nurtures friendship.

When sharing vulnerabilities with friends, mutually is key.

If one person is sharing intimate details while the other is chatting about the weather – The imbalance is going to bred resentment.

If only one party is sharing, then it isn’t a friendship.

We can be vulnerable with doctors or therapists, but those are not mutual friendships.

If only one person is doing all the talking, then it’s probably not an honest friendship.

Friends “share the spotlight” – both people share what is happening,

Which means one might share the pain of a break-up,

But the other has time to share about their new cat as well.

Friendship is a mutual two-way street.

When sharing vulnerabilities with friends,

Shasta reminds us that gratitude and positivity are key.

If every time we call a friend we grip, complain, and confess all our shadow parts,

On a practical level, the friend is going to eventually get exhausted. On a spiritual level, we miss out on the goodness God created us with. We do have shadow parts, but we also have bright parts.

God formed us and called us good. Beloved.

So when sharing vulnerabilities, it is not about putting ourselves down,

It’s about being honest about our shadow and our light.

When we are honest about our whole selves, we give others the opportunity to love our whole selves.

If we only or mostly share our shadows and our struggles, we ignore God’s goodness.

If we only share the bright spots, we will never know if we can be loved in our shadow.

We have got to be honest to be honestly loved.

So may we share the positive and the shadow, gradually, as the relationship grows.

In doing so may our relationships become deeper and we experience grace beyond measure.

May we trust that we are enough;

God made us and formed us and called us good.

May we be faithful enough to be honest about who we are, That we might be honestly loved. Amen

Quotes and inspiration from Shasta Nelson’s “Friendships don’t just happen! The Guide to creating a meaningful circle of girlfriends” Turner Publishing Company. 2013. 

Have you ever tried to make friends when your life was in turmoil? 

It is a challenge to say the least.  

 

On the first day of orientation to Divinity School, I was eager to make new friends. 

These people would be my future colleagues after all. 

After that first day of orientation I returned to my new apartment on the second floor of a three floor house, each with a separate apartment on each floor.  

The house was surrounded by reporters.  

It was then that I learned that the woman who lived in the apartment above me had gone missing. 

For days no one knew where Annie Le had gone –  

but she had left her cell phone and purse in the science lab where she worked, so something was suspicious.  

On what was to be her wedding day they found her remains:  

she had been brutally murdered.  

Hearing her mother’s cry was the most heart wrenching sound I’ve ever heard.  

Understandably, I was in shock too. 

Div. School orientation was not nearly as much fun. 

Given the shock and trauma of Annie Le’s murder, I couldn’t quite be happy and outgoing. 

New colleagues would ask me to go out for dinner and I was too scared to go out at night. 

New friends would be chatting about where to buy groceries when all I could do was replay the sound of Annie’s mother crying.  

While my colleagues, future ministers, were kind, we weren’t quite close enough yet for me to share the full trauma of the experience.  We were hardly even contact friends, let along committed or community friends.  

Needless to say, making friends was a challenge. 

 

While friends certainly can help us through times of trouble,  

We don’t seek friends in order to have “more people to take care of, more people whining and complaining in (our lives), and a few more people who have unmet needs that overwhelm (us).” (127) 

As Shasta Nelson says, “we seek out friendship because we want to feel more love, increased happiness, and increased hope.  We crave positivity.” (127)  

 

We don’t cherish friendships because they bring us stress and headaches, 

We cherish friendships because they bring us joy, hope and positivity.  

 

How do we add positivity to relationships when we are experiencing hardship? 

 

Our scripture today comes from the prophet Isaiah, writing in the early Persian period. 

The Jews have been in exile from the Promised Land. 

However, history is about to change and they are about to return from exile and rebuild Jerusalem. 

Isaiah predicts God’s blessings to come and shares how the people are to get there.  

 

Let’s listen to Isaiah 55 

 

Isaiah proclaims that joy is on the way.  There will be singing! Nations will flock to Israel with honor! 

People might be thirsty and without water now, but joy is coming. 

At that time food and drink were symbols of wisdom, so  

The author’s command to buy drink and bread is a metaphor for the people to seek wisdom.  

So, Isaiah is calling the people, and us, to seek wisdom and follow God’s ways to joy.  

 

When we are amid hardship – exile, loss, illness – we can follow God’s ways to joy.  

And if we want to add positivity to our friendships, we ought to follow God’s way.  

 

Positivity and joy does not necessarily mean rolling over in belly laughs.  

 

Shasta Nelson defines positivity as, “being as honest as we can about our reality, holding it with gentleness, and engaging in the real process of moving to an authentic place of greater wisdom and healing.” (129)  

 

Shasta gives 5 tips ways to add this positivity to friendship. 

Now, maybe it’s because she was a pastor for many years, but her 5 ways are all used by Jesus! 

 

Jesus used Shasta Nelson’s 5 Ways to add positivity to friendships! 

Or more likely,  

Shasta Nelson looked at the way of Jesus and saw 5 means of adding positivity to friendships.  

 

1 – Affirm  

 

Give your friend compliments, not just about her pretty scarf or stellar homerun – 

But also about fears overcome, goals reached, peace held.  

 

Jesus is a pro at affirmation. 

He calls us beloved children of God. 

He forgives all sorts of sinners: 

People who commit adultery, steal money when collecting taxes. 

Jesus called each one into God’s embrace.  

Notice – he doesn’t say all behavior is good,  

He overturns the tables of temples and criticizes the Pharisees for being too strict.  

Not all behavior is good,  

But Jesus affirms and encourages people to embrace loving and good behavior and praises them when they do.  

 

As our bff, Jesus affirms that we are each created in God’s image,  

fearfully and wonderfully made, beloved children of God.  

And so he eats with outcasts, touches those who are untouchable by society, and sees those the world ignores.   

Nurturing a friendship with Jesus involves giving thanks and praise for God’s creation – including ourselves! 

 

2 – Ask Meaningful Questions –  

 

Don’t just talk about the weather. 

Ask to hear stories.  

Research has shown that people who spend more time telling and hearing stories or engaging in substantive conversation are happier. (136) 

 

Jesus was a pro at story-telling. 

He shared one parable after another. 

He got his friends to think. 

“Who do you say that I am?  What do you think?” 

 

As our bff, Jesus invites us to share our stories in prayer and also to listen to his stories – 

The parables of the Bible as well as his life story of death and resurrection.  

Nurturing a friendship with Jesus involves reading the Bible stories and sharing our stories today.  

 

3 – Validate Feelings  

 

“validating feelings creates safety, trust, and acceptance.” (139) 

All positive things! 

“Validating someone’s feelings doesn’t mean we agree with them; it means we’ve heard them, we understand how someone could feel that, and we accept them right where they are.” (140) 

 

I see Jesus validating feelings when he goes to Mary and Martha after the death of Lazarus. 

It is pretty clear from the story that Jesus knows what he is going to do: 

Jesus is going to raise Lazarus up from the dead. 

Even though Jesus knows what is to come, he does not brush away Mary and Martha’s tears. 

He weeps with them. 

 

Jesus will always know more than us, yet Jesus also understands our feelings. 

He has wept at the loss of a friend. 

He has suffered betrayal and isolation. 

He has experienced joy and love. 

 

As our bff, we can bring our feelings to Jesus and trust that he understands.  

We can bring our anger, our confusion, our sadness, our joy, our pride. 

Jesus will not diminish or negate the feelings, he holds us right there where we are. 

 

After Annie Le’s murder I cried a lot. It’s wasn’t thinking and crying, just crying. 

In those weeks of tears, I often felt a warm presence surround me.  

It was gentle.  A Holy presence. 

Not trying to make lemonade out of lemons, just sitting with. 

Jesus just being there, validating the feelings. 

It was a healing balm, bringing comfort in that stark time.

 

4 – Create Memories  

 

“Shared memories are glue.” (141) 

Church members smile when they tell me of  

The time Lil Saunders broke a table because she was dancing on it – again. 

The time you all cleaned out, cleaned up, and repainted the entire Woodward house. 

The time your youth group’s car broke down. 

The time Xena hurt her foot at Silver lake and requested a piggy back ride all the way up the hill back to the lodge. 

 

Memories create a common story – an experience to point back to in joy and say, “yes, we were together through that!” 

 

Jesus was particularly talented at creating memories. 

He had a bit of an advantage. 

He could whip up some pretty incredible miracles like bring sight to a blind man and the ability to walk to one paralyzed since birth.  

 

As our bff today, the miracles may not always be so instant and obvious.  

Maybe it’s a relative stranger – a common friend- taking you out for lunch.  

Maybe it’s someone sharing a special song with you. 

Maybe it’s hearing just the right song on the radio or seeing something in nature that reminds you of one who has died.  

 

We nurture our friendship with Jesus when we acknowledge the miracles and take time to make memories together in worship, on retreat, or in church activities.  

 

5 – Add Laughter  

 

Jokes.  Inside jokes. Knock-Knock jokes.  

Not gossip. Not put-downs.  

Jokes that connect and unveil truth.  

 

Jesus was a funny guy.   

His parables were filled with humor, most of which is lost in translation and takes a bit of time and explanation for modern audiences to understand.  

 

We can nurture laughter in our friendship with Jesus in our prayer life – 

Prayers do not need to be solemn to be holy. 

Notice the funny “coincidences” of life. 

Watch some Christian comedians on youtube.  

Allows ourselves to laugh.  

 

Positivity is vital to our friendships – friendships between people and our friendship with Jesus.  

Affirmation brings positivity. 

Meaningful Questions brings positivity. 

Validating feelings brings positivity. 

Creating memories brings positivity. 

Laughter bring positivity.  

 

By bringing hope and healing, positivity enriches our lives and deepens our friendships.  

 

Often friends can bring such positivity – hope and healing to our lives. 

Yet, Jesus is our BFF – no one else;  

Jesus may use friends to comfort us,  

but no friend is God alone.  

 

The Anthem we just heard said it well – Jesus is my friend: 

“When I am sad to him I go, no other one can cheer me so” 

“Beautiful life with such a friend, beautiful life that has no end; eternal life, eternal joy, Jesus is my friend.“ 

 

May we sing with joy, for Jesus is our rock, our bff, our anchor in the storm. Amen.  

God can do more than we can imagine! 

Can you stand on one foot? 

Can you hop up the stairs on one foot? 

Can you balance a book and stand on one foot? 

Can you climb in a boat on one foot? 

 

[Picture of Lee Spencer]

There is a man named Lee Spencer who only has one foot. 

He is a Royal Marine with the English Military. 

He lost a leg in a car accident when he was helping a person stranded on the road. 

He not only climbed into a boat – he rowed the boat all the way across the Atlantic Ocean! 

 

[Picture of Atlantic Ocean on Map] 

The Atlantic Ocean is big 

The Atlantic Ocean has big waves! [Pictures of waves] 

How did he get across the ocean? 

People helped him out – gave him money for food and cheered him on. 

Here is a picture of the boat he used.  

 

Do you know why he did this? 

He wanted to show that “no one should be defined by a disability.” 

Sometimes we might look at someone and think they cannot do something,  

But God wants us to look at people with open imagination: 

He could row across the ocean! 

He could be a new friend! 

She might help me with math! 

They might have a cool idea! 

As you meet people, be open to all that God could be doing through them. 

 

Let’s pray. 

God of all creation, you can do more than we can ever imagine! Open our minds and hearts to all the different people around us.  Amen.  

 

News Story: https://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-devon-47443233 

Last week I talked about the circles of friends: 

Contact Friends are those we are friendly with when we see.   

Ex. The lady you always chat with at coffee hour.  

Common Friends are those we share something in common with.   

Ex. The lady you do church activities with; you go out for lunch after church and talk church.  

Community Friends are those we share not just common interests, but other parts of our lives. 

Ex. The person you met at church, but who you also go to the movies with and talk non-church things  

Committed Friends are those we share most of our lives with and are there through ups and downs.  

Ex. The person who visits us in the hospital, treats us to ice cream when we achieve a goal,  

wipes our tears after a breakup.  

Perhaps you wondered about friends you were once very close to, but no longer see or talk to that often. 

They are people who you might only talk to once or twice a year,  

But when you do, there is a strong bond and connection.  

“They knew you when.” 

These are called “confirmed friends”.  

Each Circle is important and valuable.  

If you are like most Americans, you noticed that there was some lack in some of your circles. 

 

The fact is our lives are always changing: 

Kids come and grow, jobs change or we move, we get married, a loved one dies, illness strikes 

And if our lives aren’t changing, then others’ are: 

A friend has kids, a friend loses a job and can no longer get pedicures every month,  

the couple you go on a double date with gets divorced.  

With all this change it’s no wonder half of our friends change every 7 years. (12) 

With all this change we are often in a place to make new friends. 

As the Girl Scout song goes, “make new friends but keep the old” 

When I got married, I sought out married friends. 

When you retire, you may seek out other friends who are retired and free during the day. 

It’s not that the old are no good, it’s just that other friends are needed too. 

Needing new friends is not a shameful thing, but a regular part of life. 

Thus, this Lent we are focusing on friendship. 

 

In our scripture today, the Pharisees and Jerusalem reject a friendship with Jesus. 

Finding closed hands, hearts, and minds, Jesus leaves – at least for the time being.  

 

Scripture Reading: Luke 13:31-35 

Why did the Pharisees reject Jesus?  

The Pharisees had an idea of what the Messiah would look like – 

The person to save them from injustice and suffering was going to look and act the way they thought  

And Jesus, this guy who riled up their overseer Herod without organizing and army, was certainly not it. 

So they pushed Jesus out and were not willing to hear his message. 

We might have an idea of what a good friend looks like,  

Yet, the people who become our closest friends may not be the ones we think. 

After a big break up, before I met my husband CJ, I sat to make a list of what I wanted in a partner. 

Faithful. Kind.  

A good cook who loves to prepare delicious meals, every night.  

okay, I’ll settle for most nights.   

CJ did check some of those boxes, the important ones,  

but there were a lot of boxes he didn’t. 

The home chef being one.  

But I love him anyway. 

If I got hung up on the boxes he did not check, things would not have gone very far. 

Truth be told, by the time we met, I had let go of wanting a partner to fill my exact list.  

I was open to what could be, learning anew with each date what was really important.  

Any relationship, including and especially friendships, starts with openness.  

Jesus can send us friends, potential friends,  

But if we are closed off,  

They will only ever stay acquaintances.  

Friendship starts with openness. 

Open to the amazing things God might have in store for us. 

Open to a relationship beyond our imaginations.  

 

A common unspoken friendship barrier is age. 

People mistakenly think that every friend needs to share their exact experience,  

When in fact listening and learning from each other is far more important to building a meaningful relationship. 

A young person might think an older person is stuck in their ways, can’t possibly understand their current struggles or simply move too slow. Ouch.  

An older person might think a young person is foolish, doesn’t know anything and doesn’t respect authority. Ouch.  

When I was 16 I was visited my bff, Aine. 

She said her friend Fran was coming over for dinner too.  

Fran was in his 70s. He shared great stories, but he also asked us about our lives. 

We shared back and forth. 

Age was not ignored, but enhanced the evening of mutual sharing and respect.  

In reality, age differences mean different experiences, and there is merit in both. 

An older person might have a historical understanding of an issue, in part because they lived through it. 

A younger person might see things in a new and innovative way, unscarred by past failures.  

Learning can go both ways, if we are open to listening seeing the possibilities. 

 

Sometimes the learning happens in unexpected ways. 

Aileen Casey, our communications specialist, certainly knows more about technology than I do, 

Even though I am younger than her and grew up with the internet.  

Really funny moment when she was teaching me how to use instagram and discovered many of my friends on it! 

On the flip side, I’ve been teaching her about church history, structure and theology: 

“we say x instead of y, because of c” 

Mutual respect has fostered a delightful relationship of growth and learning. 

 

Sometimes we are surprised to learn that someone we thought was a certain way, is quite different.  

People often prematurely judge me if they learn I’m a minister – 

They assume I believe certain things or act a certain way. 

Sadly, they assume I will judge them and look down upon them.  

So I tend to wait awhile before I “come out” about my ministry.  

In fact, a dancing “friend” warned CJ not to ask me out because I was a minister! 

I’m glad he didn’t listen! 

When we assume we know what a person is like – because of their age or job or any other characteristic, we can miss out on some potentially amazing friendships. 

 

This does not mean every time we reach and try to get to know someone, we will hit the jackpot of friendship. 

Rachel Bertsche spent a year searching for a new bff by going on 59 friend dates.  

She wrote a book about it “MWF Seeking BFF”.  (Nelson 83, 68-70) 

She said yes to every invite. 

Walk after work? Yes. Lunch Sunday? Yes. Movie Friday? Yes. Roller Skating Saturday? Yes.  

She tried asking her current friends to recommend potential new friends. 

Know anyone I might get along with?  I’m looking to meet new people! 

She started a hobby and joined a class – an improv class, to be exact.  

She became a “regular”: 

same coffee shop every morning,  

Spinning class every Thursday,  

church every Sunday 

Well, she was Jewish, so she went to a young Jewish professionals’ group. 

She tried to volunteer 

She joined a couple online networking sites that set-up groups – a sort of speed dating for friends. 

Of the 59 friend dates, 40% she never saw again and a total of 22 become friends of some degree… 

Resulting in a total of 37% chance of a single friend date growing into an actual friendship.  (Nelson 83, 68-70) 

My conclusion:   

Better not to put all your eggs in one basket. 

Try and try again.  

Be open and initiate often. 

If at first you don’t succeed, try again…or even if you do succeed, try again anyway because life constantly changes.  

Friendships change, they come and go; 

We change and our friendship needs change.  

So, may we be open to the changes and open to the new friendships emerging around us.  Amen.  

 

While personal stories are from Pastor Kelly Jane Caesar, the quotes and content of this sermon is based on chapters 5 & 6 of “Friendships don’t just happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends!” by Shasta Nelson. Turner Publishing Company. 2013.

Also referenced is “MWF seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend” by Rachel Bertsche. Ballantine Books. 2011.

Children’s Message

Based on Shasta Nelson’s book, “Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends” Turner Publishing Company. 2013.

God gives us different friends for different reasons.  The first circle of friends is… 

 

Big Hulu Hoop: contact friends 

It’s a big circle because it includes most of the people you come in semi-regular contact with. 

Contact friends are people we come in contact with at certain places, like church or school or work or tai chi. 

Everyone here in worship is a contact friend.  

God gives us contact friends to help us feel like we belong somewhere:  

You come to church, see some contact friends you recognize and don’t feel like an outsider the way walking into a room of strangers feels. 

God also gives us contact friends to help connect us to resources. 

During coffee hour an adult at church might recommend a good book or restaurant 

Or you might teach one of the other kids a fun game.  

Contact friends are great!  

 

Medium large Hulu hoop: common friends  

Common friends are friends you have something in common with and you bond over that shared activity. 

They are different from contact friends because you  see common friends more often or share more,  

but you only really talk about your shared activity. 

God gives us common friends to support us in specific activities or life stages.  

If one of you tai chi friends comes over after class to practice tai chi,  

that’s a common friend supporting you in learning tai chi. 

If you and a church friend get together to make crafts for the fair, 

Or weed the community garden, 

Or read the Bible and pray, 

That’s a common friend helping you practice your faith. 

Common friends are great! 

 

Medium small Hulu hoop: community friends  

Community friends are friends you share more than a common interest with. 

You see them frequently outside of your shared activity and do or talk about things unrelated to your initial shared activity. 

If your tai chi friend comes over and you not only practice tai chi, but you also do homework and play games, 

That’s a community friend to have fun with!  

A community friend will still be there if you stop doing tai chi. 

If you and a church friend go on a hike every week or phone chat every few days, 

That’s a community friend who will visit you in the hospital or call if you aren’t at church. 

God gives us community friends to enjoy life with, to encourage us and make us feel special. 

Community friends are great!  

 

Small Hulu hoop: committed friends  

Committed friends are your best friends- the friends you share your deep joys and you deep sadness with. 

You see them often and talk deeply. 

Committed friends are there “no matter what” 

Not everyone is in this circle. 

You can really only have 3-5 at a time. 

God gives us committed friends to practice loving and being loved. 

They help us to grow to be the best we can be by challenging us, reminding us of our goodness, and showing up at the last minute to help with a project. 

Committed friends are great!  

 

God gives us different friends for different reasons and that’s great!  

 

Prayer: God thank you for friends. Help us to cherish our friends, whatever circle they are in. Amen. 

Quotes and content inspired by Shasta Nelson’s “Friendships Don’t Just Happen: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girlfriends” Turner Publishing Company. 2013

“Almost 50% of Americans have virtually no close friends outside of one relationship, leaving us vulnerable after a divorce, breakup, or death.” (46) 

This statistic echoes what I hear and see in many of my pastoral care interactions inside and outside the church.  

Loneliness is an epidemic hindering our personal and global health.  

So this Lent I felt called to focus on friendship.  

Friends are angels God sends to us to nourish and encourage us. 

In our scriptures today we hear about angels that came to support two very important people in the Bible. 

Scripture:  Matthew 4:1-11 & 1 Kings 19:5-8

You don’t need to be Jesus tempted by the devil in the desert or Elijah fearing for your life  

to appreciate how friends can nourish and encourage us when we need it. 

Jesus and Elijah faced real temptation and trial, yet God sent them angels. 

The angels did not take away pain, but they did offer support along the journey. 

I believe God uses friends to be as angels to us: to support us along life’s journey. 

How friends support us will differ, depending what circle they are in at the moment.  

It’s unfair to expect a contact friend to suddenly drive us to to work every day or to share with them our deepest struggles.  

It’s unfair to expect one committed friend to understand every aspect of our lives (Aine, dance friend). 

Fostering a variety of friendships is necessary for our health.  

 

Friends matter for our physical, mental and spiritual health. They help us along on our life journeys.  

Hill Study conducted at the “university of Virginia where students were asked to estimate the steepness of a hill as they stood at the base with a weighted backpack.  Those who stood with a few estimated less than those who stood alone.  Additionally, the longer the friends had known each other the less steep the hill appeared.” (45)  

Friends make life’s challenges more manageable. 

Numerous studies show that with friends we recover from surgeries faster, get sick less frequently, exhibit less stress, and are happier.(45) 

Dr. Olds, a psychiatrist, points to friends as a key factor in longevity, right next to exercise. (44) 

Brigham Young University did a longitudinal study that concluded that “low social interaction can be compared to the damage caused by smoking 15 cigarettes a day, being an alcoholic, or not exercising.”  

Interestingly, “many studies reveal that friendship has an even greater effect on health than a spouse or family member.”  

In conclusion, Friendships increase our survival by 50%! (9) 

I think part of those statistics is that like biblical angels, friends bring support and encouragement during life’s challenges.  

Friendships also strengthen our souls for life’s challenges. 

It is through friendships that we develop our capacity to forgive, to love, to find peace, to rejoice, to ask for and receive help, to share and give help,  

Friendships are A place to learn how to trust people with our shame, fear, and anger- as well as our hopes, our gratitude, and our strength (67)…(69– gymnasium for the soul) friendship is a place to love and be loved.  

Throughout Lent we will look at many of the spiritual skills friendships develop in us,  

These spiritual qualities help us navigate the ups and downs of life and  

are important to our personal well-being, as well as the well-being of our world, 

Not to mention they develop us as disciples of Jesus.  

 

This Lenten focus on friendship is not just for our personal well-being;  

friendship also helps our world move towards the kingdom of God: 

Love on a personal level and one a global level. 

Friends matter for the health of our world. 

Shasta Nelson has a theory that “Friendship can save the world.”  

Friendship helps the world become more like the reign/Kingdom of God.  

Yes, friendship across difference is key to world peace. 

As Shasta says, if we can’t do relationships with people we love, then what hope do we have of doing so with people who live on the other side of the world? Who have different religious or political view? (69)  

This is not just about having a black/gay/Jewish friend or colleague, a contact or common friend. Having a diverse group of contact or common friends is nice, it’s a step passed segregation…but there is a way to go.  In these circle of friends you don’t need to talk about the deeply painful parts of life.  A common gay friend you goto he gym with won’t share the trauma of being kicked out of his family for his sexuality.  

For friendship across difference to go deeper, to a community or committed circle, takes some deeper learning and commitment.  

In college my girlfriend was Jewish.  we talked about religion a lot, but she made it clear that she didn’t want to be responsible for teaching me about Judaism or about antisemitism.  She didn’t want that burden– it was tiring work for her.  She wanted our time to be on our relationship, not her having to explain everything to me.  She wanted me to go learn for myself.  So I took classes, read books, watched movies.  The more I learned, the better able I was to understand what her life was like, how she saw the world – why certain words or actions struck a cord with her, but didn’t with me.  The more I learned, the easier it was to sit with her when she was struggling after an anti-Semitic action. The more I learned, the more she felt comfortable sharing and the deeper our relationship could go.   

I agree with Shasta Nelson that friendship can save the world, 

But it takes more than simply having contact or common friends who are different than us. 

Just as our personal lives need friends in every circle, 

Our world needs diverse friendships in every circle.  

This week are two learning activities to help develop interracial friendships.  

Today’s Lenten Luncheon will be led by Rev.Chip Hurd, a pastor driving down from the Springfield area, to lead an interactive program about different types of racism.  

Wednesday’s Movie Night is a documentary on the kkk that has a streak of humor.  

Both will give common language and insights into racism in our world today. 

These programs are not about guilt or shame, they are about deepening understanding so friendships can go deeper and really be there for one another, to nourish and encourage…not brush away with platitudes or judgment or blank stares.  

God sends us friends, for our personal journeys and for the betterment of our world.  

May we not be afraid to seek and nurture diverse friendships in every circle. Amen.  

We are going to learn how to give a blessing! 

A blessing is calling or acknowledging God or the holy in a situation or object.  

Steps to giving a blessing: 

1. Hands in blessing position (on prayer shawls, on sick person, on backpacks or outstretched over object or person, or holding hands) 
2. Call God (ex. Holy One, Holy Spirit come, God be here…) 
3. Describe situation (ex. It winter here! This new home signals a new beginning…) 
4. Ask for what is needed (ex. May this shovel clear the way to work and play.  May this house be a home filled with love and comfort) 
5. Amen 

Let’s do a blessing!  

Bless a shovel: 

Creator of the world, it’s cold here and snow is on the way. Bless this shovel that it may clear the way for work and play and keep us safe from falls. Amen.  

Bless some toys: 

God who created us,  some times the world is stressful. Bless these toys that they may bring joy and creative rest to our minds and souls. Amen.  

Bless the children: 

Jesus Christ, you came to us as a child and know what it is like.  You blessed the little children and we ask your blessing on these children.  May they experience your love in this place with these disciples that they may grow to be your faithful disciples too. Amen.